oh god what am i doing? do i put a description here? okay. 1980-made black cisgendered bi pagan ethical slut, i like pokemon and video games and several other fandom things and pretty girls and PoC and some other things I guess and i will get as political as i wanna
People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the first world are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet and Modern Warfare games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone’s jealous of you. It’s like when white dudes complain about being the victims of racism because all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock.
Oh, Pokémon. How many times can you essentially release the exact same game over and over and how many times will I relive the experience, just to be bitterly disappointed by any new species that isn’t the original 150 (or 151 depending on who you ask). I mean, apart from Girafarig who is the best Pokémon of the new generations. Shut up. Anyway, Pokémon love Poffins. They can make them smarter, better, faster, stronger… As a combination of the words Pokémon and muffin I figured this had to be something soft and slightly sweet (just like the Pokémon themselves). I did a lot of research into cakes and breads and came across the delightful anpan from Japan - a type of sweet, milky bun. The classic anpan recipe was the perfect base to create the well known light and fluffy Poffin.
This recipe makes 6 Poffins.
What you will need: A large mixing bowl, a sieve, a baking tray and tin/aluminium foil.
75ml / ⅓ Cup Milk
1 ½ Tablespoons Butter
2 Tablespoons Sugar
½ Teaspoon Salt
190g / 1 ½ Cups Strong White Bread Flour
1 Egg (Beaten)
½ Teaspoon Fast-Action Dried Yeast
Variety of Food Colourings (Optional)
For the Filling:
High Quality Berry Jam/Jelly
Use any variety of berry or berries you like; cherry, strawberry, blueberry, raspberry etc.
Preparing the Poffins:
In a pot on a low heat warm the milk, butter, sugar and salt together until the butter melts.
Pour the liquid into a large bowl, sieve in half the flour and mix well. Sprinkle in the yeast and stir until well combined.
Add the remainder of the flour and ¾ of the egg, continue to mix with a spoon until the dough comes together then use your hands to form it into a ball. (At this point you can split the dough up if you’d like to add any colouring. Do this by adding a few drops and following the next step.)
On a lightly floured surface tip the dough out and knead for about 10 minutes. This will warm the dough and make it firmer and smoother.
Split the dough up into evenly shaped portions, these will become your Poffins. Place them in a large, clean bowl and cover with cling-film/saran-wrap to rise for about 50 minutes, they should double in size.
Filling the Poffins:
Feel free to leave your Poffins plain but if you’d like to add a filling follow these steps;
Take one ball of dough at a time and gently flatten it out a little. Spoon some jam/jelly into the middle.
‘Pinch’ the dough around it, making sure it’s completely sealed. Turn it over and gently shape the dough into a Poffin shape, which is similar to an American football, and place on a baking tray.
Repeat this step for each of the potion of dough and feel free to fill each one with a different berry jam/jelly filling.
Making the Poffins:
Whether or not you’ve added a filling, leave the prepared Poffins somewhere warm to rest for about 30 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 180C/350F. Gently brush them with a little of the remainder of egg on top then place in the oven to bake for around 10-15 minutes. (If your Poffins are coloured, you might want to cover them in tin/aluminium foil to stop them from browning after a few minutes).
Once cooked remove from the oven and allow them to cool completely. Make some icing by mixing the icing/confectioners sugar with a little water, this will act as a glue.
Dip the sprinkles of your choosing in the prepared icing and carefully stick them to the Poffin for the finishing touch.
There’s no need to invite 4 of your friends over to help you stir these Poffins, I assure you. Feel free to create your own mini-game though. Maybe get your mom to shout “Left! Right! Slower!” at you while you make them, it’s totally up to you. These Poffins remind me of doughnuts but with all the pleasure of freshly baked bread; they’re certainly lighter and healthier. If Poffins can make a Pokémon more beautiful, I see no reason why this isn’t true for humans - I’m expecting to see Z-list celebrities selling these on shopping networks in the coming months.